Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
