I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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