How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
