I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
