My cat gives me a boner
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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