dude i'm inner monologue high
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
