I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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