I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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