It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
