Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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