Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
this is an emotional support booty call
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
