does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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