gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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