I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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