Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
