Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
