Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
