I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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