Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
