It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
