So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
