I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
