I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
