I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
