fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
