Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
