Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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