And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
