Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
