So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize