I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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