Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
