I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
