That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
