I can text with my tongue
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
