Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
