i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize