She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
even my farts smell like vagina
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Holy sore nipples Batman
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
