this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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