I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
