i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
