I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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