I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
