oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
