sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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