True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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