Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So squirting runs in the family.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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