fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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