So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
