I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
