These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
