All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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