Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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