So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
