Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
