I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
