Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
