I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
