At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my being single is dangerous.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
