maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
