Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i can't believe i had my finger in that
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
